The Fountainhead

I had one of those moments today. The ones where you're just sitting looking at a person you've known forever, and you realize you don't know them at all.

It all has to do with seeing people. Some people you see as friends or family--familiar, right? And you don't think much of it. You meet them every day until the contours of their faces, the shape of their hands, becomes second nature. And somewhere along the line you stop thinking of them as people at all, just as parts of your life. Like their only purpose is to carry around with them--to school, to work, to bed--the part of you that you give out.

Then there are the people people. The ones you glimpse at the mall, on the street. You see them and think, "Wow that lady's hair is fake" or "He looks older than my dad". You think that they are all the same, these people. They are all a part of the invisible mask you label "society". And all those faces you file away under that category without a thought.

The strange moments, though--those are the ones when you realize that people are individuals. You look at a mouth and a nose and the hair you've seen for half a decade and they all look foreign. There's something there, in those eyes, that you can't recognize. Because you've never noticed it there before, or it's never been there before.

That's when you think, "Oh. She's a person. She's not a piece of me. She's not a part of a mask, a sequined bead stuck on, a wisp of feather. She's not a name, or a face. She's not the words that come out of her mouth or the tilt of her head or the curve of her handwriting. She's a person. She's real."

So much of what we see is sunk into our impressions. Glasses make an intellectual. Muscles make an athlete. Expensive clothing makes a snob. Blonde hair makes a bimbo.

I guess that's why we're so surprised when the unexpected happens. We don't expect unpredictability; that's why it sticks with us. That's why the aced calculus test for the goth girl bothers us. That's why the pettiness in a sweet boy makes us cringe.

The only thing to wonder is, if we are not the shape of our arms or the lisp in our voice, what are we? The arch of our foot? The light in our laugh? And why is it important, to be known as an individual? Why can't we be content as that bead or that feather on society's mask?

I sort of like the idea of selfishness. Like perhaps the "selfless" people are the ones who aren't people anymore, because they've given up the individual in favor of others. To serve others, perhaps, but to give oneself up nonetheless. Moderation, maybe? We can't be all one or the other, selfless or selfish, lest we forget ourselves, or we forget others. I think that's why the unexpected moments surprise us. When we look at a person, really look at them, and realize they have secrets too. They are selfish, they are selfless, they don't know who they are any more than we. Then our image of them is shattered. And some of us pick up the same pieces and fit them the same way. The goth girl is still goth. The kid with glasses is still smart. And the rest...? The rest are the slim few, the small percent, that fit the pieces a different way. The ones who realize their friends have a purpose in life beyond being their friends. Their parents are individuals. They are all "people", but they are not all the same people.

That's why I picked "The Fountainhead". It supports complete selfishness. And even though I disagree with that, at least it's not complete selflessness. Somewhere in between sounds about right.

Congratulations

Today, I ran at the University of Arizona for a varsity track meet. As a 2 miler, we got to run in the middle of the college meet. I freaked out! I also ran the fastest time I have ever run for 3200m. It felt amazing.

This is not my story. What was important - a couple events before and after my race. Before my race, I got to say hello to a girl who used to run track with me as hurdler. She was exactly what I remembered and so friendly - not afraid to say hello to us high school kids.

The other event happened while I was sitting on the bleachers watching the college girls run. I scanned the pack running the 5000m and saw a girl who used to run distance with me! She is a gorgeous girl and the best word to describe her is simply, cool. Really cool. She was always a fast runner and she was near the end of the pack but I was so happy for her!

I know she loves running.

I don't think I can convey what I want to convey here, so I'll move on.

When you meet someone, you remember their name and who they are but years from now - what's left?

I hope it is something good and exciting.

I remember a girl with long blonde hair who was my 'competition'. We were just like each other. One day, I stepped on the high school track for the first time. We were both in eighth grade and then we ran a warm up mile. I don't think I've ever ran that fast in my life. Keeping up with her was brutal but I didn't want to let her know how tired I was so I pushed and pushed.

As I sat in the car ride from my first time at the college track as a junior, I couldn't remember her name. Finally, as we exited the freeway, I remembered.

We both just wanted to be great.

Congratulations - We both made it.

I didn't see her at the track today. Last I heard she was very happy to have made the cheerleading team at the school down the road.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MknhYSj_w-I

Faustus

I don't think I believe in fate. It feels to me like an excuse, an explanation, the same way the gods of old were explanations for the weather and a baby's death. But now, instead of plugging the hole in our knowledge with gods, we fill the emptiness up with "fate".

It's the worst thing in the world, being responsible. Not only because you feel compelled to meet and exceed expectations, but because if you don't, nothing else matters. And then there are the people who feel no such obligation, who would rather enjoy their own life than improve the lives of others; and if someone says that's selfish, well, we're only human once. I think there is a lot I would give to be one of those people, but then I'm responsible, so if the choice were presented to me I'd do the responsible thing. In that way we choose our fate, and we say it is fate because we don't realize we've chosen it and we continue to choose it until we change or we die.

I guess you could say it was fate that things exist because without things there would be no fate, but what's that matter anyway? It's all rather pointless semantics, which is probably why I hate theoretical philosophy when it has no relevance or impact on anything modern. At the same time, I adore the question of coincidence vs. fate because while I don't believe in fate being preordained, I do believe in choosing fate. So while a baby's life isn't mapped out for her from the moment she's born, whether she is responsible or not becomes her fate. Like Faustus, we choose our damnation, whether that be to irresponsibility, hell, or just an early death. In this case, it's the path, not the destination. No matter what a person believes in, I think sometimes we have to put aside our fear of endings because there are more important things to us, to mortals, than the end, even if everything we do leads to it. It's how we get there, not where we end up.